Due to my current crippling hungover state I can’t formulate enough cohesive thoughts to create a “normal” blog post. So today I’m trying an experiment: I will write down exactly what comes to my mind for five minutes straight. At the end of the five minutes, the only editing I’ll do will be for grammar and punctuation. Strap on your seatbelt, this could be a bumpy ride…
This feeling, this is why I hate drinking. The hangover is devastating. It sets me way back. And maybe only for a day but to me each day is precious. The weekend is my time. Time for me to blog; time for me to work on my business ventures; time for me to grow outside the confines of the office walls. And every time I over-indulge in alcohol I lose this time… and not only that… I lose my mind.
My thoughts are disconnected. My attention span is cut short. All I can do is consume information but can’t produce my own thoughts. When I sit here and try to write I stumble. I can barely read a sentence right now never mind write one.
Maybe I put too much pressure on myself. Why am I working so hard? What’s it all for? Why am I not at the beach with my friends? It’s bleepin 4th of July weekend!
Do I really need to be working seven days a week? No. Do I need to fully detach myself from the world I was living in before? No. I need to get back to the things that made me happy. I need to get back to basics.
Much of what I’ve written about on this blog documents the dramatic changes in my life over the last few years, and while I like to harp on all the positive changes not everything about what I’ve become I like.
Why am I detaching myself from friends who’ve been by my side my whole life? Why am I choosing to live a life in my own head rather than one with the people that care about me?
What have I done? Have I gone too far? Am I happier now? Is living the exact life I want without compromises to others really healthy? Isn’t compromise and community part of life? What am I running from? Who are these people I’m trying to leave behind?
These are the people who have helped form who I am. These are the people that are always there for me when I stumble; the people who will laugh at my terrible jokes; the people who know my habits inside out; the people who I’ve shared countless memories with; the people who, if I died today, would be able to carry on the truest version of my legacy. These are my best friends.
Have I been doing this all wrong? Why am I sitting inside a coffee shop on a holiday weekend while my friends soak up sun on the beach? Why do I drown alone in my own thoughts blogging while my friends are creating memories and living the very life that I say I’m striving for?
I need to find a balance. I know that I’m heading in the right direction but I need to remember what got me here. I need to enjoy the present. I need to take things less seriously. I need to live life… not inside my computer, not alone by a river, but with the people I can be myself with, people that love me, the people that I love.
Just because I’ve started to change and have found a new lifestyle that suits me, doesn’t mean I need to live in complete isolation. It doesn’t mean I need to cut ties completely with my past. If anything I should be sharing this lifestyle with the people who were already a part of my life.
I need to find a balance. I need to find a way to combine the old with the new. I need to find a way to be happy while I start this new climb. I need to slow down. I need to be with the people who care about me. I need to find a way to laugh in the present moment without worrying about tomorrow.
If I can’t enjoy the journey towards this new life I am trying to create for myself then why embark on the journey at all?
Five minutes is up… what do you think? Things really took a dark turn quickly haha! Welcome to my unedited mind. It’s dark in here. On a serious note, I am happy I did this… I learned a lot about myself in these five minutes. Hopefully you learned from it too.